body of years...

i am currently rocking out to this song, and dancing around my living room...

ENJOY

can you tell me how to get...

how to get to sesame street? hey the street is 40 this week... 40! i love this show.

listen to the music

did i mention that dating in your 30s is WAAAAY better than dating in your 20s? just 2 months into this new relationship thing (yeah!) and i am happy to report that things are on the up and up! i mean if i look back to my life 1 year ago from today i am looking at a completely different person. awesomely enough, i don't really miss that person at all because i feel much more comfortable and excited to be where i am right now.

i know i am a lot healthier, im eating better, working hard at my new job (and finally getting some rewards for it). planning out my classes for college next term :) dating a wonderful person <3 the world has finally come back into line for me! i'm pretty excited, and frankly a little scared that it could come crashing down around me. this is not something that i have had a chance to think about recently, but have had a lot of time to think about right now!

my lovely is in korea for the next month checking out her heritage so now is my time to get some things in order that i have been neglecting. bear with me, i don't really have the internet at home anymore and am winging it on free wireless and the roomie's computer.

ah my friends, keeping in touch with you should be really easy... but i seem to suck at it. i often have really great ideas that i will take one evening per week and compose these lovely and flowing emails. yeah... sorry mates, but it appears i've missed the boat on that one! of course you all know what i think of the lot of yas... so i'm really sorry i am that lame-o that never writes or calls. but i think about you all often, so that should count for something.

my family: gee how hard is it for us to talk. i mean aside from my parents that hear from me often, it's like the rest of you all fell off the planet. i love you guys, so sorry! not my intention at all! one skill i wish i had was keeping in better touch with friends and family.

WORD!

wake me when september ends.

well its been a few busy weeks, as i have recently started a new job and thrown myself back into the dating world. things are certainly looking up. it's been a long time since i have been working and the brain stimulation, socialization, and monetary gains are certainly appreciated.

let's start with the job shall we?

i was hired part way through august for the new pricesmart foods store that is opening on september 23rd. there are lots of good things about this job for me. there is tremendous opportunity for growth right now, and it is good to get in on the ground floor. i am being cross trained as a cashier, working in payroll, scheduling and cash office. the latter of these skills i am interested in acquiring, as they will no doubt come in handy if i am going to open my own business in the future. i've been working for the past two weeks, and will finish up the cash training on sunday afternoon.

dating world:

well technically there really hasn't been much dating as the first date i went on since i came home from san francisco ended up being an ongoing thing. i have been really lucky this summer with the quality of people i have met, and thankful for the year of healing i required before i could give myself fully to someone else. i have been doing a lot of reflection over this past summer and developing a criteria of qualities that are required from someone! i have realized over the course of the summer that there are certain behaviors that i will no longer tolerate, and certain types of people that i am not interested in being around. i guess this has blanketed over the rest of my life as well, as i have had to let go of some friendships that were either toxic or not holding up their end of the bargain. sad, but as the old chain letter goes, some people are there for a long time, and others for a short time. the key is to remember the lessons learned.

anyhoo, im about 1 month into this new relationship and so far its been going really well. for me, the key has been open communication and the refusal to put up with other people's baggage and crap. for far too long, i have sat by, let people walk over me, crush my dreams, verbally assault me, and devalue my self-worth. these things, i will never allow to happen to me again.

the person i am seeing is amazing, and she understands me, doesn't judge me, and is honest and open with her communication. RAD!

that's the update for now. i also wanted to mention that it seems, after a quick poll of my friends, that everyone has had an amazing summer of self-discovery! here's to more of it!!

WORD!

SCHMAP.com update

pretty sweet... since i love taking photographs, this really made me happy.

I saw a movie the other day that was filmed in san fran, and the characters walked right by the mural that was included in the pictures!!!!!

ps: the movie "fruit fly" was awesome, you all have to go and see it.

~~~~~~~~~

Schmap San Francisco Eighth Edition: Photo Inclusion


Hi Jen,

I am delighted to let you know that your three submitted photos have been selected for inclusion in the newly released eighth edition of our Schmap San Francisco Guide:

Painted Ladies-Alamo Square
www.schmap.com/sanfrancisco/all_sights/p=379737/i=379737_15.jpg

Mission Murals
www.schmap.com/sanfrancisco/all_sights/p=379683/i=379683_1.jpg

Sutro Baths
www.schmap.com/sanfrancisco/all_sights/p=379864/i=379864_18.jpg

If you use an iPhone or iPod touch, then these same links will take you directly to your photos in the iPhone version of our guide. On a desktop computer, you can still see exactly how your photos are displayed and credited in the iPhone version of our guide at:

Painted Ladies-Alamo Square
www.schmap.com/?m=iphone#uid=sanfrancisco&sid=all_sights&p=379737&i=379737_15

Mission Murals
www.schmap.com/?m=iphone#uid=sanfrancisco&sid=all_sights&p=379683&i=379683_1

Sutro Baths
www.schmap.com/?m=iphone#uid=sanfrancisco&sid=all_sights&p=379864&i=379864_18

Finally, if you have a blog, you might also like to check out the customizable widgetized version of our Schmap San Francisco Guide, complete with your published photos:

www.schmap.com/guidewidgets/p=35358411N05/c=SL20011311

Thanks so much for letting us include your photos - please enjoy the guide!

Best regards,

Emma Williams,
Managing Editor, Schmap Guides
www.schmap.me/emmaj.williams

P.S. We're now tweeting San Francisco restaurant and bar picks at
www.twitter.com/sanfranpicks
If you've a favorite you'd like us to tweet, please visit
www.schmap.me/picks/sanfran

schmap.com

I know that there are a lot of people out there who take photos and get these mentions, but i still thought it was pretty awesome and put a smile on my face for the day! hooray!



Hi Jen,

I am writing to let you know that three of your photos have been short-listed for inclusion in the eighth edition of our Schmap San Francisco Guide, to be published late August 2009.

www.schmap.com/shortlist/p=35358411N05/c=SL20011919

Clicking this link will take you to a page where you can:
i) See which of your photos have been short-listed.
ii) Submit or withdraw your photos from our final selection phase.
iii) Learn how we credit photos in our Schmap Guides.
iv) Browse online or download the seventh edition of our Schmap San Francisco Guide.

While we offer no payment for publication, many photographers are pleased to submit their photos, as Schmap Guides give their work recognition and wide exposure, and are free of charge to readers. Photos are published at a maximum width of 150 pixels, are clearly attributed, and link to high-resolution originals at Flickr.

Our submission deadline is Tuesday, August 6. If you happen to be reading this message after this date, please still click on the link above (our Schmap Guides are updated frequently - photos submitted after this deadline will be considered for later releases).

Best regards,

Emma Williams,
Managing Editor, Schmap Guides
www.schmap.me/ewilliams

job update

the food store called me yesterday and apologized for not getting back to me on wednesday.

they said that i had an excellent chance, but there were 8 more interviews to do. I called them back this morning and they had 4 left, and they said they would be calling at the end of the day. I hope it goes well.

actually, i feel like i did very well, so if i DO NOT get this job, i am at a loss for what people expect at an interview.

I should know by tomorrow... at the very latest.

a new career?

today i had an interview at overwaitea foods to work at their new PriceSmart Foods Store opening September 23, 2009 at king edward village. i think the interview went rather well and i am excited about the opportunity. the interviewer asked the standard gammut of questions which i feel i handled thoughtfully and with tact.

they seemed genuinely interested, and i assured them that whatever they gave me to do, i could handle. they told me that they had a training program, even to work in payroll, which i think is an awesome skill to have! after they said this, i told them that if there was training involved i could absolutely do any job at the store. another thing i threw in was how the most important thing is building a brand and creating a brand loyalty through excellent customer service! I think that was an amazing interview!

fingers crossed!

i wonder what is next?

the end of the innocence...

well folks, this is the email i replied.

i think this is the first time in my life i have ever had this kind of honesty in a relationship, and even though it didn't end successfully, the lessons it taught i will carry with me forever.

i will settle for nothing less.

--------------------------------------

Im glad you sent this letter.

You are an amazing woman, so please don't ever forget that. I know you will find someone awesome, who is kind, and treats you well.

I do not hate you. I was just disappointed that i hadn't heard from you and was wondering if this was your subtle avoidance ritual. I kept telling myself that you would at the very least return my call or email at some point, and that this was likely a terrible case of not being at the right place at the right time. as time went on, and i couldn't get you at all, I started to worry about you and whether you were OK.

i agree that the time we spent together was wonderful, and i have no regrets. vegas will always have a special place in my heart. so many great memories that i will remember fondly, and I will always watch the wizard of oz with a sparkle in my eye. denny's, whore houses, the eiffel tower, 'ew York and beers in a can. the list is long my friend! :)

i think we both deserve a huge pat on the back for taking a shot at love, by ignoring the risks and letting the fun be the guide. that trip was entirely out of character for me, but there was something just leading me there. i knew i had to take a shot. i have come home to a much better space and a new frame of mind, something i have you to thank for. i feel that i have learned so much about myself from my trip to california, and i am glad that i got to share that experience with someone entirely different and new. i know what i want in a relationship, and what i am able to give to someone.

i am imagining how difficult it was for you to write this, and i certainly don't blame you for taking "the easy way out". this conversation would have been a little sad, (and you know i'm a crier), and you would have heard some hurt in my voice, but know that what you hear is coming strictly from my emotional being and not my logical being. you know how great you are, so of course to lose you would be really sad. but to never have met you would have been worse. because i got to have an awesome experience with someone really amazing. i choose to reflect only on the good times, because they really were our finest hours. footloose and fancy free (while remaining hydrated)!

i hope you don't think it is weird that i am replying to your email ~ i just felt bad about the way things went down, and wanted to make sure that you were OK. i am glad that you had the courage enough to write to me. i wrote this letter for two reasons... first, your email to me was kind, considerate, and deserving of a response. i don't want you to ever wonder if i took it terribly and hated you forever. this is not the case. from time to time i may just email you (don't worry, i'm not a spammer), or send you a postcard from somewhere. second, i want you to know that i am not sad, hurt, or mad in any way, shape, or form. from start to finish, this is by far the most "adult" relationship i've ever had (in 33 years!!). it felt really good to be honest and not be afraid to say things to you. so for that i am thankful.

i learned so much, and you still RULE (don't forget that)

jen

ps: so sorry, but you might be getting mail for some time still... i think the last one i sent was this past friday!!! i told you, i am an excellent postcard sender!

the return email...

I am sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you. You didn't blow anything, but the more hectic my life gets, I think it's only fair to stop seeing you. I can't devote enough time or attention to you, and I'm not even sure at this point when or if I will have the time or money to get away to visit or to have a visitor here.

You haven't done anything wrong, but I don't want you to spend all this time and attention on me when I can't do the same for you. You have been kind enough to keep asking for less and less from me, but at this point in my life, I just don't have time to devote to a relationship and you deserve someone who can appreciate all the sweet attention you have to offer.

I am sorry for hurting you, if I have. The time we spent together was wonderful. But, every day that I keep you waiting for a phone call or an email, I feel guiltier. Every time I open the mailbox and have three or four pieces of mail and haven't sent you even one, I feel worse. You are a great woman and have a lot to offer someone who will treat you right, but I can't be that person right now.

I still have some feelings for my ex I need to work out. I have my job, all the travel, an apartment to set up on my own, and friends and family obligations too. Adding another obligation to the mix when I can't make you a priority is not fair to you. You will find someone some day who can return your undivided attention, but I can't be that person.

I understand if you never want to see or hear from me again. And I'm not going to make some polite gesture that maybe another time would be better or leave you with a "maybe one day." I want you to find happiness and even love. But I don't want to lead you on and pretend that I anticipate my life getting any less complicated any time soon. Thank you for showing me what I deserve in a relationship when I am ready for one some day. But I can't be there for you, so I have to let you go.

Our time together was very special. I will send Ernie back to you, because I know he has sentimental value. And thank you for showing me what I deserve when the time is right. Now is not the time. I feel bad sending you this in an email, but honestly, I am too chicken to hear the hurt in your voice if I hurt you. I'm not proud of it, but I am. I am completely taking the wimpy way out here, so maybe that will make it easier for you to hate me instead of be sad. I am not feeling like an amazing person right now for doing this, but it's only fair to you.

Please save your love and time and attention for someone who can give you the same back. I am not that woman.

it IS out there...

summer inspiration...



ROCK!

a very big state of maybes and whatnots

what happens when you try to contact someone and you can not get ahold of them?

you send email, text messages, and even phone calls, but nothing gets answered or returned?

what, what then?

i guess i know the answer, i just wish she would have AT LEAST told me in person.

worthy....

what does it take to be worthy of love these days?

a few random notes as this is something i have been thinking about recently.

a long time ago when i was starting to date, i had very specific ideas about what that looked like in my head. flowers, candies, movies, cuddles, joint crossword puzzles, being together. i wish, in retrospect, that it were as simple as this. relationships are hard, and the ones I have had are no exception.

my first real relationship started like most others at that age, began at a college bar. we met, we drank, we made-out in the back of my car! this relationship, and my introduction to the adult dating beast, had high points and low points and eventually ended. when you are 18 i guess you have no real control over how things will change over the course of your life, where you will be in the next 10 years ect. looking back over the past 10 years, i have done things that i would have never imagined doing, including 6 years at university, lotsa travelling all over the world, working in korea, living in vancouver, having NO career.

over the past 10 years, i have really started to learn who i am and what i want out of life. but, the past 2 years have been the steepest part of this journey, which has challenged me to re think the things i may have bought into only years before.

In the fall of 2005, while working in korea i met someone. now i have met lots of people in korea but this was someone who i really adored. they were fun, witty, smart, enjoyed a good conversation (and even crossword puzzles). It was like winning the lottery. we spent a lot of time in korea seeing the sights, hanging out, and generally having an awesome time. in the summer of 2006, that love left me, and promised that we could survive the distance that was put between us by thousands of miles and an ocean.

i should stop and point out here that I am a believer in love.

it was easy at first, the emails and the phone calls, the letters and packages. for about 4 months this situation was great, but then ... the call came. breaking up... too much distance... too far.... no physical contact.... ugh. I really didnt want to hear those words but being that this was december and I still has a full 6 months left on my contract, what could I do? i agreed that it was for the best, and we left it at that... the next day i went to work, and my boss told me that if i wanted to because the school year starts in march, i could actually get out of my contract on Feb 28th, and still get my free airfare home. I called to inform, and the relationship was back on. I readied myself for vancouver (a place i had not even thought about living in) where i would be moving to, all for love, in about 7 weeks.

those 7 weeks flew by so fast... excitement, packing, selling stuff, sightseeing the rest of seoul, dinners with friends... so little time. then i arrived, 2 bags, 1 guitar, & one cat at vancouver international airport.

i often think about how my life would have been if i would have just let it go, stayed in korea and finished my contract. where would i be right now? still ESLing around the world, home on the east coast working in a call centre, or maybe i would have come to vancouver anyhow... who knows, and that is the adventure of life...

fast forward to a few months ago: a broken-hearted girl decides to take control of her life, packs up some gear, cashed out the student loans and heads to California. it turns out, this trip actually saved my life. for quite some time after the end of that relationship i was spun into this terrible depression, had terrible thoughts of finding a way to end it all. after a lot of thought about what to do, i decided i needed a break, the company of some good friends and a readjusted attitude. the time i spent out of the city helped to heal me and certainly changed my outlook... then it happened, just when i wasn't looking for it.. LOVE!

i met a someone, we hung out - a lot.... we spent 3 awesome days in SF and then a further 3 days in Las Vegas. we parted ways at the airport, with promises to keep in touch, to visit each other when we have time, and to communicate often. We agreed to a set of rules for ourselves which i will relay here:

- we pinky swore not to put up with crap
- honesty, communication, asking questions when we have them, talking when we are scared
- it's ok to cry sometimes and I will always listen
- all I expect of you is to be kind and to be you. Period. You are more than I could ever have hoped for, exactly as you are.
- it can be easy
- we both deserve to be this happy

i like her, but i wonder if she still likes me, or if the excitement of a trip and the city and life gave the placebo effect and that in actuality, "she's just not that into me"

a treasure hunt

on tuesday of this week i met my friend from college to hit up the thrift stores. she had a specific mission "a juicer", but not just any juicer, for this juicer must conform to a stringent set of rules set forth by the hunter. "having nubs" was one such requirement in reference to the previous failed missions. also, "the ability to strain", assumed to mean no pulp or seeds needed or required. there was a thrift store near my house, in which we would find such a treasure. "dude, it has a basement! haven't you been?" i was sure everyone had been there before, their "name your price" bargain basement was, i thought, legendary. "nope", i nearly fell of my bike. truly, it is my favourite thrift in the city!

tuesday did not disappoint, a quick wander upstairs revealed the same over priced "luxury" goods that make the store its real money. TVs, stereo receivers, turntables, DVDs, an electronic smorgasbord. we were headed for the stairs, let the digging begin. descending past the never used gum-ball machines, a hand drawn sign asked the visitor to leave their bag upstairs, a rule that is not adhered to in any way. rounding the corner, my friend's face carried that joyous look as if she were a child and santa had left her exactly what she wanted. "wow!, i had no idea!" Indeed.

i always start in the kids section to check out the board games. there are a few that I am looking for, and I know I will find them eventually. like an old "clue" or "sorry". they are hard to get complete, and counting them in the store takes some time. today though, game shelves had been ravaged. no dice! then the usual route rolled me into housewares, with the pots, pans, racks, and sheets. I am not really looking for a particular house-ware at present (though a crock-pot is on my wish-list) so the i burn through that section. my friend found many things she thought i would like and started off the find with a box of drinking glasses. inside the box were not normal glass but rather kitschy, pop-culture mcdonald's promotional glasses from the 60s - the 80s

a set of four walt disney glasses(1980s)
a pair of camp snoopy glasses (1960s)
and one coke promotional glass (1970s)

"oooh", my friend laughed "thought they would be something you'd like". she was right, they were amazing!

a wander through the picture frame section garnered an original lithograph from vancouver artist john koehner called "pacific gateway (107)" the inscription on the back revealed its life and ultimate fate. "to ALCAN: thank you from the students of the arts umbrella, 2000". i can imagine it this way: a retirement party, and office cleaning, a trip to the thrift. or maybe it sat neglected leaning in amongst the winter michelins bought for last years snow, in a garage. it now hangs on my wall next to my desk, it makes me smile to look at it.


my friend spotted the pack next, while i was flipping through the records. i had seen this pack on two previous visits to this thrift and wondered what made it linger so long. burnt orange in colour, i am rapidly dressing it in patches of far away places, past lives, and former glories. a fine reminder of the places i've been and the sights i have seen. its retro stylings fit the times perfectly. i put the pack next to the glasses and my lithograph, and threw myself back into the records. by this point my friend was enjoying a break in a rubber chair reading a children's book about bears.

i picked out seven albums in total, four as wall art and three to put on the stereo. stereo worthy recordings include "flashdance: original soundtrack", corey hart's "boy in the box", and seals and croft's "summer breeze". artwork presently adorning the walls include "2001: a space odyssey" and three disneyland recordings "goldilocks", "little engine that could", and "cinderella". indeed the thrift had been kind!

unfortunately my friend never found her juicer in this bargain treasure palace, and the hunt continued, after a quick stop by the house to unload my presents.

... remember the time ...

ah, went through a bit of a spell there didn't i? oh, back to our regularily scheduled programming now. so these days life is pretty good. i am riding my bike lots, talking films, enjoying cultural education, connecting with people. very nice indeed! it's a sunday night and i am curled up on the couch, burning through a marathon session of deadwood (season 2), whilst cruising around on the "www."

this was an interesting week, one of the first times since i've been home that i have had a kinda blah feeling. when i got back from my trip i felt amazing. i had spent a lot of time healing a broken heart, learning to be confident and strong. the trip was good for me on so many levels but particularly an emotional one. time and distance really was the difference between recovering and continuing to wallow. one thing i have definitely learned is that i am finally over my ex! That alone was a really freeing experience.

The support of my friends was quite simply amazing. true friends who went above and beyond the call of charm, wit, and congeniality, played excellent host to this couch surfing canadian. we chatted, drank beers, ate wonderful food (even the beans, lentils, barley, and rice), as if we had been living next door to each other for ages. it had been three years or so since we parted ways from korea to return to our "real" lives in north america. over the course of six-weeks, i slept in their beds, on their floors, their couches, used their soap (and maybe i stole a razor), ate their food, probably helped them spend more money than they normally would. they were generously kind, wonderful, entertaining and gracious. i probably didn't thank them enough when i was there, and i really, really want to thank them now. you guys rule!


the elevator to my friends place in the richmond district of San Francisco

oakland city centre BART station, home base!

and then it happened!
Serendipity is the effect by which one accidentally discovers something fortunate, especially while looking for something else entirely.

the plan: out with fab gay friend to the castro, after wild bay to breakers run, for window shopping, eye candy and bar stool hopping.

the result: sitting single in the mission district's les watering hole The Lexington, staring into a glass of PBR, texting like a fiend, and grunting about my lame friends.

accidental discovery: a girl

NICE!

a random conversation, while watching each other's bags for smoke breaks, led to a really entertaining evening out (on a sunday), an amazing dinner the following evening, and a late night beer and appies fix, with ride on cable car (to cap off the mini weekend). a lovely end to my vacation to be sure. i had no idea at this point that i would be, only 3 days later, on a plane to las vegas to continue the adventure. Rat Packers beware... a couple of lucky, high on life, ladies just rolled into town. it's roughly been a month that i've been home and when i think about her i smile. she taught me a valuable lesson: it is possible to love someone for who they are, and you should accept nothing less for yourself! we agreed to be honest and communicate - be kind - she has earned my respect for her honesty, and continues to surprise me at every turn. so thank you rad girl, for re-teaching me some of the things i had long forgotten about myself :)




it's now almost midnight, and i wanted to leave this little shot because it made me chuckle!



i figured this happened, but i didn't expect someone to make a profit. pretty funny, dummy looks like he's headed to school in the 90s.

word!

am email i wish i could send...

im really sorry
but I can't see you anymore!

it isn't fair to either of us.
i wish you nothing but the best,

living on a prayer

I'm ticketed, prepared, guided and sorted!

Ready to start the adventure.

It's going to be a good time!

If I had my life to live over...

If I had my life to live over, I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television - and more while watching life.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."

There would have been more "I love you's".. More "I'm sorrys" ...

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute... look at it and really see it ... live it...and never give it back.

are you going to san francisco? wear some flowers in yer hair

ok, i am really going to do it.

i have a bit of money, got a good tax return. am heading away to the city!

prepare ye landlubbers, jen's sailing into the bay!

shazam!

j