worthy....

what does it take to be worthy of love these days?

a few random notes as this is something i have been thinking about recently.

a long time ago when i was starting to date, i had very specific ideas about what that looked like in my head. flowers, candies, movies, cuddles, joint crossword puzzles, being together. i wish, in retrospect, that it were as simple as this. relationships are hard, and the ones I have had are no exception.

my first real relationship started like most others at that age, began at a college bar. we met, we drank, we made-out in the back of my car! this relationship, and my introduction to the adult dating beast, had high points and low points and eventually ended. when you are 18 i guess you have no real control over how things will change over the course of your life, where you will be in the next 10 years ect. looking back over the past 10 years, i have done things that i would have never imagined doing, including 6 years at university, lotsa travelling all over the world, working in korea, living in vancouver, having NO career.

over the past 10 years, i have really started to learn who i am and what i want out of life. but, the past 2 years have been the steepest part of this journey, which has challenged me to re think the things i may have bought into only years before.

In the fall of 2005, while working in korea i met someone. now i have met lots of people in korea but this was someone who i really adored. they were fun, witty, smart, enjoyed a good conversation (and even crossword puzzles). It was like winning the lottery. we spent a lot of time in korea seeing the sights, hanging out, and generally having an awesome time. in the summer of 2006, that love left me, and promised that we could survive the distance that was put between us by thousands of miles and an ocean.

i should stop and point out here that I am a believer in love.

it was easy at first, the emails and the phone calls, the letters and packages. for about 4 months this situation was great, but then ... the call came. breaking up... too much distance... too far.... no physical contact.... ugh. I really didnt want to hear those words but being that this was december and I still has a full 6 months left on my contract, what could I do? i agreed that it was for the best, and we left it at that... the next day i went to work, and my boss told me that if i wanted to because the school year starts in march, i could actually get out of my contract on Feb 28th, and still get my free airfare home. I called to inform, and the relationship was back on. I readied myself for vancouver (a place i had not even thought about living in) where i would be moving to, all for love, in about 7 weeks.

those 7 weeks flew by so fast... excitement, packing, selling stuff, sightseeing the rest of seoul, dinners with friends... so little time. then i arrived, 2 bags, 1 guitar, & one cat at vancouver international airport.

i often think about how my life would have been if i would have just let it go, stayed in korea and finished my contract. where would i be right now? still ESLing around the world, home on the east coast working in a call centre, or maybe i would have come to vancouver anyhow... who knows, and that is the adventure of life...

fast forward to a few months ago: a broken-hearted girl decides to take control of her life, packs up some gear, cashed out the student loans and heads to California. it turns out, this trip actually saved my life. for quite some time after the end of that relationship i was spun into this terrible depression, had terrible thoughts of finding a way to end it all. after a lot of thought about what to do, i decided i needed a break, the company of some good friends and a readjusted attitude. the time i spent out of the city helped to heal me and certainly changed my outlook... then it happened, just when i wasn't looking for it.. LOVE!

i met a someone, we hung out - a lot.... we spent 3 awesome days in SF and then a further 3 days in Las Vegas. we parted ways at the airport, with promises to keep in touch, to visit each other when we have time, and to communicate often. We agreed to a set of rules for ourselves which i will relay here:

- we pinky swore not to put up with crap
- honesty, communication, asking questions when we have them, talking when we are scared
- it's ok to cry sometimes and I will always listen
- all I expect of you is to be kind and to be you. Period. You are more than I could ever have hoped for, exactly as you are.
- it can be easy
- we both deserve to be this happy

i like her, but i wonder if she still likes me, or if the excitement of a trip and the city and life gave the placebo effect and that in actuality, "she's just not that into me"